Itsy Bitsy Fitzy
It’s been a while since I’ve posted to this blog for many reasons. As I mentioned here, the months following the loss of my very best (four legged) friend left me lonely, sad, and generally uninspired. Throw in buying our first home and you’ve got one pre-occupied woman! I don’t know how many people read my posts and I don’t write them to go “viral” or anything of that nature; it’s simply an outlet for me to express and release the never-ending stream of thoughts in my head. If you enjoy writing, or are generally creative in any way, you likely understand the need to purge your thoughts and/or express yourself creatively regardless of audience. As my life (and body) literally evolve daily, I have found that my mind has been busier than ever. So…on with the mental purging in the form of mindless blogging!
If you’re my friend on Facebook or in real life (imagine that concept) you know that Nick and I are expecting our first baby in January…what you don’t know is the rest! I don’t have a crazy story or anything too detailed to share but I will let you in on how we got here and what’s been on my mind. If you’re uninterested in any of that, check back later and maybe I will write a post about bacon or Pokémon or something you’d be more inclined to read.
I’m not sure exactly when Nick and I first started seriously talking about timing on when to try for a baby but I do know that we would routinely decide on a month and as it would approach we’d push it back by another month, or three. We never truly felt ready until we were in Savannah, GA celebrating our one-year wedding anniversary. Something shifted in us during that (amazing) trip and suddenly we were 100% ready (hah!). I was convinced it would take us months of trying to actually conceive, although Nick always said that it wouldn’t. As much as a wife hates to admit her husband was right… he was, and it didn’t take us long at all. So here we are, a sea of emotions and a few months later, with a baby on the way!
When I say sea of emotions…I want you to pick the largest sea and picture it filled with a never-ending spectrum of emotions and that’s what I mean. I’ll pick my top 3 and fill you in a little to narrow it down.
Doubt. Emotion numero uno. I was certain I was not pregnant because I was cramping like crazy and surprise! I’m a nurse that had no idea you super cramp during implantation. Don’t judge. In truth, I actually only tested to know if I could drink over the weekend or not… again, don’t judge. From the moment I saw two pink lines (and sat open-mouthed for no less than 5 minutes) to the time we had our first ultrasound, I experienced a tremendous amount of doubt. I only took one test at first, but as days passed I took more and more to confirm it was still positive. I know I’m not the only one who’s done that! Nick may have called me crazy once or twice. For a long time you don’t feel pregnant or look pregnant so you know, a girl’s got to be sure! Even so, I know that a positive pregnancy test does not necessarily mean that you have a viable pregnancy; which brings me to my next emotion…
Fear: Fear of an ectopic when I spent almost 24 hours with pain on my left side that was mostly constant and noticeable enough to scare me. (I’m a little bit of a hypochondriac, I’ll admit that)! Fear that there would be no baby, and fear of losing it at any time if there was a baby; which led to fear of getting excited or attached. I know this one will never leave me and that it will continue to haunt me throughout the pregnancy and beyond. It comes from a mixture of personality and the things I’ve seen as a labor nurse. There’s no blissful ignorance for me. Luckily, Nick still has it and brings me back to a cozy and comfortable “everything will be alright” place when necessary.
Excitement: As I just mentioned it was difficult for me to get excited at first. Of course, I was excited initially…like over the moon excited but I also mentioned excitement’s tormented cousins doubt and fear. I felt a lot of pressure to be as excited as everyone around me was. Whenever someone would find out I was pregnant, they would announce their excitement and in turn as if I was excited; that’s a normal question! I never answered it honestly. I would smile and say yes and snub the doubt and fear that also plagued me because I truly don’t think you can understand it unless you’re also pregnant. I will say, now that the cat’s out of the bag on a much larger scale and we get to share our news openly, I’m extremely excited with a small side salad amount of healthy(ish) fear. I can’t help it…I know too much!
I anticipated these emotions and wasn’t shocked by them in the least. I am however, incredibly shocked at how difficult it is (for me) to watch my body change before my eyes. If right now you’re thinking, “you’re growing a human, your body is no longer yours” or something like that, I’m going to kindly ask you to STFU. The truth of the matter is, it IS my body. It has BEEN my body for 27 years. I completely understand that I’m sharing my body and it will change, but shouldn’t I get a judgment free adjustment period to cope with these changes? I’ve never truly struggled with weight thanks to height, genetics, and a stomach that doesn’t allow me to eat too much crap, so watching myself gain weight is difficult. I’m nauseous if I’m not eating every two hours and I have headaches that have prevented me from doing much of anything so far…thank the Lord I walk a TON at work! When I said, around 14 weeks, that I wanted to go up a size in my scrub pants because my smalls were no longer comfortable and seemed to push directly on my bladder, I got an “already?” That made me feel awesome! I didn’t expect to feel insecure about my body in pregnancy and I know my feelings towards it will likely change as I start to feel the baby move and as my abdomen takes on an even rounder quintessential “pregnant” shape. However, this current “is she pregnant or fat?” stage is an adjustment and a little bit of a mind f**k. I will say that I am loving the cleavage though! All my homies in the IBTC understand!
So there you have it! A peak into my thoughts… thanks for reading!
I’m sure there will be more to come as I embark on the weirdest, most foreign, and most exciting (and scary) adventure I’ve ever been on…stay tuned!